I remember reading somewhere that one should not share experiences that are too personal while bearing a testimony. You should not tell everyone about certain "weird" and deeply spiritual things that may have happened to you. However, I've been known to not play by the rules, so I will go ahead and share a few things with you here.
Around the summer of 2012, at the end of a toxic relationship, I broke down after a particularly emotional conversation with my girlfriend. I decided to hang up the phone and go pray, my first time doing so with what I believed was a broken heart and contrite spirit. What I decided to pray about was for God to reveal what it was within me that was keeping me from progressing enough in a relationship to the point of marriage. What was it that ended relationships in the dating stages and what was broken about me that kept me from moving forward. These issues were causing me to either self-sabotage or causing women to end the relationship. I asked God to remove whatever it was from me.
A clear and unexpected answer came to me in a soft voice - "selfishness". At this point, it was as if something reached inside me and pulled out the selfishness and set it aside. I accepted the answer, but was confused and did not realize at the time how selfishness applied to me. Sure, we are all selfish at times, but was it truly the cause of my celibacy? Although the answer was unexpected, I had enough faith to know that it was relevant and that I had to ponder over it.
A few weeks went on and I began to be more mindful of any selfish tendencies. However, this was not helping the relationship and it only caused me to realize that actually staying in the relationship was the most selfish act. To be unselfish, was to end the relationship, heal, and move on. This relationship was a lesson for me and it truly taught me a lot about myself, about who I should be with, and it strengthened my testimony. The lesson was over and it was selfish to hang on for the fear of the pain that would come from ending it would be great.
In preparing for this unselfish act, I knew that I would need help. I decided to pray again, broken hearted, for help in making the right decision, for forgiveness, and for comfort. I saw this as a great failure on my part, a lack of preparation and discipline, a lack of righteousness and obedience. My self-esteem and self-worth was at its lowest point ever. The pain, loneliness, anxiety and depression would only increase. It as at this point in prayer that I felt as if an arm was placed on my back to comfort me, and a voice said softly - "it's okay". A warm and comforting feeling came over me and it was now clear what I had to do.
The breakup process was longer and more painful than I expected. There was little closure at first, personal struggles with the lessons learned, building of self-esteem and confidence, hours of meditation and therapy. Truly moving on meant forgiving, learning what lessons came from it, grieving, and moving on with faith.
I issue a challenge to you to pray sincerely, to find what the blocks are that are keeping you from reaching marriage in relationships. We all have these blocks and the first thing to remember is to not blame others for our failures. We must take responsibility and know that we are the only once that can change ourselves and we cannot change others. Whether it's selfishness like me, or something else, pray to find it and then learn to get rid of it.
Good luck!
Journal of experiences in a mid-singles ward of The Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints
