Personal Revelation from Prayers; The Breakup

During the spring of 2012, I was in a toxic relationship which seemed to be getting worse.  This was the type of relationship that made you forget who you were, taking any self-esteem and confidence with it.  It made you question your value, which in turn made you feel that there is no point in leaving the relationship because who would want you?  There are dozens of verses in the bible that can relate to feeling worthless, but many of us know what "love is blind" means and how we stay in bad relationships way too long.

The constant feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness lead me to just break down and ask Heavenly Father what was wrong with me.  What is it about me that keeps me from getting married.  What's broken within me and can you please remove it.  I was willing to do anything and I finally understood what they meant by a broken heart and contrite spirit.  Suddenly, something surprising happened.  It was as if a hand reached inside me and pulled out selfishness and placed it aside.  Selfishness?  That's the last thing that I thought was wrong with me.  How was I selfish?  Then I thought about it and realized the many ways that I was being selfish and also remembered that God knows best.

The relationship continued and I was more aware of any selfish thoughts or acts, but it wasn't enough to keep it alive.  It was wrong and I had to do the unselfish thing and let go.  A desire to be in a relationship, loneliness, pride, wanting to make things work, lying to myself about all the incompatibilities, these were all selfish acts.  Knowing that leaving someone who had become a part of my life, good and bad, would hurt.  It would hurt so much that such the thought of it made me hit rock bottom, because I was still blaming myself for not being good enough.  With a broken heart, I prayed again for strength and for answers.  I felt as if someone had placed their arm around me and then heard, "it's okay".

A few more weeks passed before I had the opportunity to let go.  Yes, it did hurt, for a long time, more than I had imagined it would.  It took a long time to build up my self-esteem and confidence, to understand that I have value, and to open up again and risk being vulnerable.  I'm new to the singles ward and I've made mistakes while learning and hope that there is forgiveness.  The wonderful brothers and sisters that I have gotten to know here gives us newbies hope.